Top or bottom? (and a PSA)

OK, get your mind out of the gutter…we’re talking blood pressure numbers!  The last week and a half was one I’m happy to soon forget regarding this topic.  Here’s the cliff note version:

My normally regular blood pressure and resting pulse skyrocketed.  (Spoiler:  I’m fine!!)

I wasn’t feeling so fine during this rollercoaster week or so.  For anyone who knows Blood Pressure 101, we typically strive for 120’s/80’s.  And since everyone is different, I have typically recorded lower numbers (the runner in me).  So when my numbers suddenly spiked and hung out at 150’s and 160’s (top number) with 90’s and 100’s (bottom number) and a resting pulse of double (peaked at 101), I paid attention.

My new BFF

I also paid attention when last Saturday, the spike reached 166/108 and included a headache and some nagging pain/cramp-feeling in my left shoulder.  I now entered panic-mode.  I thought for sure my next breath would send me into a heart attack or stroke.  A call to Mom calmed me down and a prompt trip to the ER ensued.

My bodyguard Scott's ER hall pass

After several hours of monitoring, an EKG, and extensive bloodwork, the ER medical team was left scratching their heads.  I did tell them as part of my intake ‘interview’ that my doctor had prescribed a medication for me just 2 weeks ago.  Everyone had the same reaction:  “I’ve never heard of that impacting blood pressure”.  After consistently acceptable blood pressure readings and, according to the ER supervising physician, a “boring” EKG, they sprung me.  I chewed on a handful of aspirin….just in case.

Held my breath each time the DART departed or arrived

Nothing is more frustrating than feeling unwell and being told you’re “fine”.  Don’t get me wrong, I am eternally grateful to be "fine", for the medical team, and have a new appreciation for what goes on there on a Saturday.   But now what?

Here’s where I decided to trust my gut -

I took myself off the new prescription.  Within a day or two, I watched my numbers plummet to normal territory again and have watched them stay where they belong. 

Oh, and the blog title?  My 108 number of last Saturday was on the bottom; my 108 number one week post-ER was on the top.  Exactly where it should be.

Things I learned from this scary experience:

• Don’t ever ignore or allow your brain to explain/rationalize symptoms that throw a warning flag off in you.
• Don’t ever be so desperate for relief (of whatever ailment you’re experiencing) that you don’t research all of the medication’s potential side effects.
• Do trust your gut.  You may not be an MD, but you know your body better than anyone.
• Do familiarize yourself (women) - symptoms of heart attack can present very differently than how they present with men. 
• Do ask for help/support.  I’ve never felt so afraid in my life and I had family & friends calm me down and help me not feel like a crybaby.

And now?  I think I’ll keep the blood pressure cuff out just a little bit longer.  I sense another blood pressure spike coming…as soon as the insurance deductible, ER, and aspirin bills start rolling in!!

Stay well friends!

I don't miss FaceTime Christmas!

It occurred to me that this Christmas of 2022 is the first one since 2017 that I’ve been able to participate in family reindeer games.  2018 found us in Florida, 2019 landed us in Oklahoma, 2020 was the Christmas Scott was already in Vermont, while I wrapped things up with work in Oklahoma, and 2021 was the year that wasn’t, with weather and Covid ganging up on us big time.

This year wasn’t perfect, as Covid once again came knocking.  So while I didn’t get to spend time with Mom, I was able to put together a care package/Christmas present combination and performed the handoff with masks donned.

Reflecting on this four-year Christmas hiatus, I once again felt so happy to be home.  With two little ones running around now, the noise decibel was at its highest.  The food and drink was bottomless.  The laughter and thoughtful gift giving was priceless.

Erin's amazing baking

FaceTime only goes so far.  You can’t taste the treats from a distance.  You also can’t mug for a family picture.  When you’re the coolest Uncle ever, enjoying the surprise (from both the kids and the parents) of giving matching skateboards really can’t happen fully via FaceTime.

We were rewarded with a gorgeous sunset during our Christmas Eve travels.

Four years is a long time, yet it also feels like it passed in a blink of an eye.  Time stops for no one and I’m happy to have replaced FaceTime with real life FamilyTime.

Merry Christmas All!

 

Really, it's just a number

Since Covid hit and cancelled races in 2020 and part of 2021, I like many watched my marathon and ultra plans slip away.  I wasn’t a fan of the virtual race, so I just tried to keep some flicker of motivation lit during that time.  Each race I planned for was to be my 30^th race of marathon distance or greater. 

Numbers like this can motivating.  Really, it’s just a number.

Fast forward to 2021.  I registered to run Clarence Demar Marathon (one of my favorites!), excited to return to an in-person race and march towards that race with a solid training cycle.  Alas, my training fell flat and at the last minute, I dropped down to the half marathon distance.  On a beautiful September day, I ran happily alongside many of my Keene friends and finished feeling good.  Took a 2:08 finishing time for my effort.

2:08…not my best time.  Really, it’s just a number.

This past weekend, I punched my ultra ticket once again at Ghost Train (another one of my favorites!) with a goal of completing two out and back laps – 30 miles.  I was lucky to have Scott, Meaghan, and Caitlyn there to support me. And even a surprise appearance by Sue!  Over the span of 6 hours, 44 minutes, I ran alongside new friend Ali (who went on to run 60 miles!) and we chatted, sang, and ate our way through the miles.  The weather was perfect, my legs felt good, and my mind felt prepared for the challenge.  Half-way through my race, we chatted with a woman who was part of a larger group running and supporting their friend who was also tackling the 30 miles distance – for her 70^th birthday!

70?!?!?  Really, it’s just a number.

Our journeys are so much more than numbers.  Numbers do help motivate at times, and other times they can become disqualifiers (“I’m too old….it’s too late…I’m too slow”).  I try to look at my numbers as motivators to remind me more of my successes and less of my short comings.  I’m not perfect at it, as I often look back to my Ghost Train 100 race and get caught up in lamenting over “what I used to be able to do”, but then I remember running happy, friends who go out of their way to support you, a healthy body and mind, and 70-year-old inspirations...

Really, no numbers can match that!

A special summit

Twenty one years have passed since September 11, 2001.  As the day approaches each year, I feel reflective and solemn remembering the tragedy, the loss, and the helplessness.  What I was never aware of until this past weekend is that four months after that fateful day, a small group hiked Mt. Liberty in the White Mountains and raised an American flag on its peak.  In solidarity, in memorial, and in peace.  This event is called Flags on the 48.

A friend texted me to ask if I’d like to accompany her to Mt. Lincoln to raise a flag.  Ready for an adventure, I was all in.  After an early wake-up call and a drive to the trail head, we started meeting the others in our group and preparing for our hike.  We had a great group who clicked right away.  We shared the job of transporting the flag pole, the base, the flag, and various supplies.  We shared snacks along the way.  We shared stories.  And we shared laughter. 

The summit offered us unexpectedly clear and long range views.  We passed the binoculars around, so we could enjoy the endless White Mountain ranges, a slight haze due to CA wildfires, and the other flags also flying on the other 47 peaks.  The binoculars also came in handy to watch a bear grazing peacefully below us.

  

Each flag waved from 12-2pm, until the time came to dissemble our flag and start our descent.  The day was long and we were all a good tired as we approached the trail head after a full day on the mountain.  Our descent group traded information to enable us to connect on social media and we each headed home.  But not before a trip through McDonald’s drive-thru!

We can’t erase the sadness or tragedy or loss of life from September 11^th, but by taking part in events like Flags on the 48, we can replace the feelings of helplessness with purpose and pride.  Hikers summiting Mt. Lincoln showed such gratitude for our efforts.  We shared why we were there to other hikers who didn’t know about Flags on the 48.  Regardless of how much or how little hikers knew about it, everyone knew this was something special.  I felt so proud to do something bigger than me, to remember all who were lost and all who are still suffering today.  I hope this also helps others continue to remember back to 4 months post-September 11, 2001, when the first group hiked Mt. Liberty – in solidarity, in memorial, and in peace. 

Getting back on the horse

The last time I ran was last Sunday.  When, in my last few miles, I came upon a small pick-up truck parked on the side of the road.  My internal flag went up, heart rate increased, grasp on my pepper spray tightened, and I increased the space between us as I approached a man sitting in the driver seat with the window open.

Man:    You must be tired!  I saw you going up that big hill and around the block!

Me:      [ W A R N I N G – why has he noticed me in two very different areas and why is he sitting here? ]

Maybe 2 minutes later, he passed me (same direction) and gave a normal wave with no further obvious  ‘creepiness’.  But the damage was done with his replaying having seen me go up the hill, around the block, and now, sitting parked for no obvious reason in the one area of the road where there are no houses.  I hope he meant no harm and just has no self-awareness, but I’m going to continue to assume he (and others) might be up to no good.  Similar to living in Florida; assume every body of water contains an alligator and you can’t go wrong.  So I assume anyone/any vehicle has the potential to be bad.  It sucks to think that way, but the alternative could be that I don’t return home.  Not an option.

I haven’t run since then because I’ve felt afraid.  Afraid and incredibly angry.  Afraid of evil people who terrorize women who (god forbid) try to exercise to stay healthy and fit.  Angry that we women are literally risking our lives to go out for a run.

So today I ran.  But I ran with a bodyguard.  Yes, my husband insisted on driving around my route to make sure I felt comfortable.  Honestly, I didn’t argue.  I stepped out in the light of day, knowing my husband was always close by, and still armed with my pepper spray.  And while I was relieved to get back out, I felt so heavy – like when you try to run when you have a lump in your throat.  You just can’t cry and run.  Period.  That’s how today’s run felt.  I can’t get Eliza Fletcher and so many other women who have met the same fate out of my head.  The terror, the pain, and the sorrow whenever she knew she might not make it home.  I just can’t.

I don’t want to be so afraid that I don’t live.  But I also want to stay alive.  Today I got back on the horse, albeit with a safety net.  And I will work on getting back and staying on the horse safely and being even more vigilant than ever.  I read a comment a running insta-friend posted on this topic that really resonated with me:  “…I shifted my focus from the ‘it shouldn’t have to be this way’ to ‘this is the way today’s world is…”  As much as I want to stick my fingers in my ears and block it all out, I know I'm going to have to put on my big-girl running shorts and run.  Run for Eliza...run for myself....run for us all.

Fueled by friends, fun, and Fritos

This past weekend, Scott and I packed our ultra bins and headed to run 6 Hours on Lover’s Lane.  The event sounded perfect for where I am with running:  trails, flexible distance, and no pressure.  And since recently coming off of the Ghost Train waitlist, this event served as a great training run to remind myself what distance feels like as I look ahead to a 30 mile goal.

After way too many days of heavy, soupy, humid weather, we caught a break!  Not that it didn’t get warm, but it was much more comfortable to run than it had been.  We had several friends we knew were running that day, so it really felt like home.  As we got closer to the starting time though, I noticed Ali was nowhere to be found!  I just met Ali as a fellow volunteer at Vermont 100 in July and was looking forward to sharing some miles with her.  With maybe 5 minutes to spare, she whipped into the parking lot and was racing to get her bib# as we started the race.

No chip timing needed!  A quick sharpie mark and off for another loop!

Very soon, Ali caught up to me and we chatted through a couple loops.  The loops were a bit under 2 miles in length and we “got to” run as many as we wanted within the six hour timeframe.  Soon into the run, I knew my time with Ali wouldn’t last, as she was ready to lay down some strong miles that day.  The loops enabled us to see each other throughout the day, which made it fun and encouraging for us all.  I also got to see Amanda, Rob, Ashley, and even Scott several times.  

Although I packed my usual ultra food/snacks, I quickly realized that Fritos were going to be my fuel of choice.  I stuffed a handful in my vest pocket at almost every loop.  A side of Fritos with my sandwich?  Yes please.  A side of Fritos with my watermelon?  Sure, why not.  A side of Fritos with my Fritos?  Don’t mind if I do….

This was my first experience running a short loop course repetitively.  I wasn’t sure if it would feel monotonous after a few loops, but I was pleasantly surprised that it really never got boring.  Each loop presented decent elevation (~300 ft), so after 14 laps, I sure did feel it.   By the end of my time at Lover’s Lane, my watch said I completed 25.2 miles.  Although briefly tempted to bring my mileage to 26.2 to reach the marathon distance, I couldn’t fathom running another step once I stopped. 

Today I feel good and a lot better than I have after other non-trail, flatter races of that distance.  I was thrilled with how I managed my run and fuel, my final mileage total, and the fact that I ran the full 6 hours.  I highly recommend this event if you enjoy a low-key, friendly, encouraging atmosphere with great food and great people.  Stickers, trucker hats, and maple syrup (for top 3) were fun swag as well. 

If you're looking for me, you can find me where the friends, fun, and Fritos are!

Ali and I celebrating after a fun day in the woods!

 

 

Shit Happens

Four and half months ago, Scott and I made a plan.  A big plan.  We found our dream home!  Actually, our dream property.  The dream home part is a work in a progress.  The challenge was that I was still in Oklahoma for work.  

With a portion of our home goods and necessities in tow, Scott drove from Oklahoma to Vermont to close on our new house.  Making the decision to live separately for a period wasn’t made lightly, but it was made with a longer-term goal in mind.  We’ve “visited” each other since his drive North, but with COVID, we didn’t want to be recklessly traveling either.  So, we each hunkered down and did our jobs that would bring us together soon enough; Scott single-handedly demolishing the entire first floor of our home (he’s now in construction phase) and me taking on a new, bigger role at work.  I’ll post more about the demolition/construction later.

I felt confident going into this temporary arrangement that we would each be so busy that any loneliness would be tempered by the thrill of moving towards our goal.  And I was mostly right.  We've had great stretches and we’ve had challenging stretches.  FaceTime has been a godsend.

Early on, I felt like the universe was plotting against our new arrangement.  Within the same one-week period back in October, Oklahoma had a historic ice storm that left trees in a shamble (they’re still cleaning up in February!), Bella got sprayed for the first time by a skunk, and the garbage disposal backed up.

TRAGIC.  ALL OF IT.   Or so it felt.

I initially became pretty overwhelmed by it.  I cried at the universe, “How is all of this happening right now when Scott’s not here?!”  Full out pity party of one.  One challenge at a time, I peeled away the overwhelm and the frustration I was feeling and addressed each challenge. 

Ice storm?  Scott had most of our tools, so I drove to the local hardware store and bought a small hand saw before everyone else snatched them up.  The next day provided a perfect weather day to get outside and cut up the branches in the front yard. 

Skunk-gate?  Faced with a frozen spicket, I couldn't bathe Bella outside.  I brought her inside and whisked her over to our amazing boarding place for a professional de-skunking.  Best $25 I've ever spent.

Backed-up garbage disposal?  After cursing my landlord who basically said this was a “me” problem (she was right), I ran out to the store for some Drano.   Best $7 I’ve spent since Skunk-gate.  Worked like a charm.

Today, I’m faced with shoveling 8” of snow with more coming, hoping the negative 27 degree wind chills don’t freeze the pipes or force a power outage, strongly encouraging pushing Bella to go outside to do her business, starting vehicles periodically to prevent battery drain, and just now wrestling with a garage door that decided to stay in the “open” position. 

I GOT THIS.

None of what I’ve shared here has been tragic.  None of this has been as dramatic as it felt in the initial moment.  As of now, I still have power and heat and working pipes.  And I won the garage door fight.  Go me!

Somewhere over the last four months, I’ve added a new, thicker layer of skin.  I feel like I’ve always been gutsy/adventurous, but admittedly have grown soft when I knew Scott would just take care of the problem. 

We have partners for a reason, and I can’t wait to be back with mine.  But I’m grateful for this reminder of how important it is to be able to take care of myself and to not panic or get overwhelmed when shit happens.  Because shit will happen.  A lot.  Except when I want Bella to go outside.  That shit ain’t happening anytime soon!

Five States in Five Years

The last five years have seen our little family call home in five very different states.  As we prepare to make our next move to our final state number six, I found myself reflecting on the last five years/moves/states….

We lived in Massachusetts all our lives.  Until we didn’t!  Snowy backyard, countless fun running memories, big 50 mile and 100 mile race accomplishments, family and friends.  Too many pictures to represent all the decades.

We lived in North Carolina next.  Then we blinked and moved on!  While there, we ran some races, did some sightseeing/touring, took a trip in a hot air balloon, and hiked some mountains.

We lived in the Monadnock Region of New Hampshire next.  Made some life-long new friends, shared hot cocoa at the top of Mt. Monadnock during a super moon, discovered Scores Running Club family, reconnected with our families, and ran lots of races, notably Vermont 100 (Scott). 

After decades of complaining about the cold, it was time to explore life in Southwest Florida.  Made instant great friends (who express themselves via birthday cake), learned how to avoid new critters (heyyyy gator!), survived a brutally humid 50K with our northern friends, and experienced and captured some of the most amazing sunsets!

Although planned as a temporary stay (for work), our stay in Oklahoma has lasted almost two years!  And, it’s fallen partially during the pandemic.  Fortunately, we did get some explorations in before lock-down.  The weather nerd in me got to visit National Weather Center, experience a distant-enough tornado from the safety of our storm shelter, experience the coldest weather in 116 years, visit the Oklahoma State Fair, run several races, and make an instant friend at those races!

Next Stop:  Home Sweet Home, VT USA…We are now preparing for our trek home to Vermont!!! 

What this five year adventure has taught is this:  We need to be closer to our families.  We need to be closer to the mountains.  We need space and land and peacefulness.  We need our four seasons.  We are farmers at heart (even Scott who grew up in the city!).  This is what is important to us.  

None of these five states were necessarily "wrong".  We consider ourselves so incredibly lucky to have been able to experience this adventure.  It reminded us of what we need, what/who we missed, and what we don't need as part of our future.  We wouldn’t trade the friends and the memories we made for anything and are excited to build new memories.

Vermont, we're coming for you!

 

 

 

Take care of your own oxygen mask before helping others….

With all the debates about masks these days, the airlines have got it right;  take care of your own oxygen mask before helping others….

This year has been a struggle in so many ways.  Finding ourselves navigating a pandemic was not something any of us saw coming.  But even without COVID-19, life is a series of balancing acts.  Work presents challenges, relationships require work, and personal self-care often finds its place at the very bottom of our everyday life lists.

Anyone nodding?  Yep, me too.

I’ve noticed I’m falling very short in the self-care category and have been for some time now.  I’ve always struggled with balancing work life with my personal life, but the past five months or so have taken that struggle to a new level. 

Not my choice.  Or is it?

With so few things we can do, visit, and engage in this year, I, like many, have spent a lot of time at home; so, I work.  It's my default.  Starting running regularly in my 30’s helped my balance immensely.  I met new friends, joined in on running dates, joined a running club, and ran countless races.  When I chose to return to school for my bachelor’s and master’s degrees, I met more new friends and immersed myself in learning and applying my learning. I’ve been doing very little of what energizes or inspires me.  And I miss it. 

Worse, all this non-stop working is distracting me from other self-care opportunities: 

• Getting enough sleep
• Practicing good nutrition
• Connecting with friends & family regularly
• Remembering and participating in important dates/events
• Puzzling
• Reading
• Writing in my blog

If I expect to be a good/happy/balanced person, wife, daughter, friend, and coworker, I need to take better care of myself.  I have people to care for and take that very seriously.  So why not take self-care seriously?  Why do we so often give up or leave for last the very thing we need most to get through our good days and our bad days?

This day, Saturday, I choose to put self-care back up at the top of my list.  So, I am applying my oxygen mask before helping others;  a walk with Bella, a run outside, a healthy lunch, and...a page in my blog.

How do YOU self-care?

11,692 steps to a new attitude

A week and a half have passed since my last run.  I walk daily, sometimes multiples times, driven by Bella’s needs.  But run?  Meh.  These days of COVID, of work stress, and insomnia have left me dreaming of being a runner again (when I do actually sleep).  That would entail running though.  Hence, my dilemma.

I could tell immediately that my life-force was off this morning.   I had no good reason for feeling this way; it’s Saturday, it’s not 400 degrees out, and I actually slept OK last night.  Scott was already out for a run, so I grabbed Bella and took her for her “long walk”, hoping the act of moving would change my attitude.

So, since that didn’t work…..

Scott, doubling as a cheerleader and coach today, had a great idea to drive to Acadia and run some trails.  Nothing takes the pressure off a runner who hasn’t been running than trails.  No pressure to run fast, ability to get lost in the run, no external distractions….

And 11,692 steps later, I had a firm grasp of a new attitude! 

Sometimes you need a combination of things:  a husband who gets you, who leads the cheering squad for you, who is willing to run additional miles at a slower pace just to get me out there moving, and of course, cooler air is always a plus.  But ultimately, you still need to want to run.

I’ve been stuck for some time now with where running sits in my priorities, what I expect out of a run, and frankly, why I run at all.  So many years of building my miles, my pace, and my goals have left me questioning my “why”.  

While I contemplate my “why”, I’m celebrating a glorious 6 miles on trails, a clear head, a hint at a level of energy I’ve been missing, and even a desire to go back out for more tomorrow! 

Why??  Why not.

I was watching...and still am Mom!

Be kind, you said;

I saw how you sewed masks for healthcare workers, made care packages for people in need, and quietly left pieces of art to brighten a stranger's day.

Be confident, you said;

I saw your confidence in everything you did/do, and even when it wasn’t truly there, I saw you be confident for me.

Work hard, you said;

I saw you work so, so hard for years to feed and clothe three kids.

Get an education, you said;

I saw you nail your RN degree at an age when most were winding down their careers.

Don’t be afraid to try new things, you said;

I saw you reinvent yourself so many times, all to be your best self.

Be patient, you said;

I saw you patient with…everyone.

Be generous, you said;

I saw you give up so much to make sure we had what we needed and sometimes wanted.

Don’t quit, you said;

I saw you push through some of the toughest experiences and come out stronger on the other side.

Be grateful, you said;

I saw you always look for the silver lining, seek ways to turn negative into positive, see the best in people and situations, and turn what you had into enough.

Words are nothing without action behind them.

I am who I am today because of you.

Because you showed me...

right vs. wrong

kind vs. evil

strong vs. weak

love vs. hate

What a gift to have you as my Mom.

4.44

Today should have been the 20^th running of the OKCMemorial Marathon, but like many other races, it was postponed.  Instead, we headed to the local park to run as many loops (~2.75 miles) as we needed.  Not wanted…..needed.

4.44 miles was the moment during my run this morning when everything clicked.  I intentionally ignored my watch this morning, because my goal was to crash through the 4-mile barrier I’ve slowly built up the last couple of months and find that feeling you only get when you run long.

Mission accomplished.  Today’s 9-mile run was the longest I’ve run since March 1^st.  Since then, I’ve been hanging out way too long in 4 mile-ville; at that, the frequency has been sporadic at best.

Here’s what I re-discovered by breaking through the 4-mile barrier:

• I haven’t felt this calm in months.  Work has been insane, and although I’m grateful to have a job, I’ve allowed running/fitness/health to take a back seat.
• I realized I was smiling only after a passerby commented on it.  I wasn’t even aware that I was smiling, but yes, there it was.  From deep inside.
• The result of the usual insomnia really doesn’t take much toll on my run.  Mentally, it’s harder to get out of bed, but once moving, I’d forgotten about the sleep deficit.
• By not focusing on my pace (always easier said than done), I was able to run farther.  And feel more positive about it.
• It can be powerful when you head out with intention.  Sometimes you run just to move and feel alive.  But most times, if you head out with intention, it’s a lot easier to feel successful at the end of it.

The final thing I re-discovered is that I need to run.  Plain and simple.  Running continues to provide me with the feeling of belonging in a community that embraces each other (from a distance of course!), with goals to strive for and crush that feed my confidence, and with the endorphins that bring with a sense of peace that makes everything feel more achievable.

And because I love junk food.  There's also that.

What will be the new normal?

I hear we’re not even at peak yet with this awful Coronavirus.  With most of us following social distancing guidelines for several weeks now, I can’t help but wonder what post-Coronavirus world will look like?  

Here are a few things I hope will continue post-Coronavirus crisis:

• Cute puppy pictures, memes, and videos.  I mean, how can you not feel good when you see those!

• Uptick in dog fostering.  They need us; we need them.

• The new population of people who are walking and playing outside.  There is no doubt there are a lot more people getting outdoors.

• A much more collaborative spirit at work.  Any of us can be one step away from unemployment.  Knowing we’re each picking up slack for the other makes the job feel less daunting and less stressful.

• Check ins by friends, family, and coworkers.  I’ve checked in on many; I’ve been touched when someone checks on me.

• Continued care for our elderly.  The creative ways people have “visited” their elders in nursing homes has been heartwarming.

• Continued acts of philanthropy.  Hopefully, we won’t always have to worry about masks and PPEs, but there will always be something.

• Openly grateful acts towards healthcare workers and frankly all workers who are able and willing to continue serving us.

• Realization that we do need each other.

• The power of a hug.

Control

We all crave control.  Control what we eat, what we purchase, what we do for work, and so on.  What happens when we lose control?  Fear.  Anxiety.  Stress.

This coronavirus and subsequent economic crash combined are testing every bit of control we ever thought we had.  But is it really that different from pre-crisis time?

Every day, we live our lives like it’s our last day on earth, right?  No, not really.  Some of us do, but most of us try really hard.  We take things and people for granted.  It’s natural.  Until that thing or person is suddenly gone.  Today, a lot of that control is indeed gone or severely limited.

But here’s another way to think about it:  living through coronavirus and economic crash is still living each day as if it could be our last.  It may require even more effort, but this hasn’t changed.

If I head to the food store pre-crisis, I expect to buy all the food and product I desire.  If I see a product out of stock, I’m surprised, but I move on and either find a replacement or do without for that day/week.  If I head to the food store now, I don’t know what I will encounter.  The store could have empty shelves or people fighting over toilet paper.  So, the control is severely challenged right down to the most granular level.

But there are things we can still control –

• We can control our thoughts.
• We can control our words.
• We can control our behaviors.
• We can control how we treat ourselves and others.
• We can control being creative with what we do have.
• We can control what we do while contributing to social distancing.
• We can control the amount of news we watch.
• We can control our expectations.

Whenever my last day is on this Earth, I don’t want to be stressed or rude or angry.  I don’t want to waste the time or energy upset of what’s happening around me or to me.  I want to listen to good music.  I want to enjoy a glass of wine (and if I run out and can’t get any when I want to, a glass of Gatorade – in a wine glass).  I want to enjoy writing in my blog. I want to celebrate friends’ birthdays – even if over Facebook.  I want to FaceTime with friends and family. I want to look forward to our nephew’s wedding. I want to look forward to times with the new-ish babies in our family.  I want to enjoy walks with Bella.  I want to enjoy another Oklahoma sunset while I live here.  I want to be silly.  I want to laugh. 

This does not discount or minimize the harsh realities people are facing, but realizing I have control of some things is good enough for me.

Bonita Springs, FL