“Number 2” is #1

Dear Septic Tank,

You’ve been there for us like an old friend since I moved here, quietly and dependably doing your job. We even built a lovely wishing well around you to give you some privacy and some dressing up – afterall, you do rule our universe.  We’ve always respected you and have dutifully followed all of the necessary Septic Tank rules (safe TP, yearly pumpings) to give you a long, healthy life.

Yet here we are, at a sad cross road.  I’m afraid the diagnosis is terminal; your long life has come to an end.  We could fight it and try to lengthen your already long life by taking extreme measures.  But what would that really get either of us? 

Yes, that means we’ll be spending a lot of money to replace you name your successor.  Did I say “a lot”?  I meant A LOT.  But it’ll be worth it, because like I said, you do rule our universe.  We’ll also be doing an unplanned “hard” landscaping to allow for your honorable removal.  That means I’ll be quickly moving a few flowering shrubs that have flourished in the company of your grass-is-greener real estate before the scary backhoe/bulldozer/thingamajig digs everything up.  Oh, and don’t worry about the blue paint that suddenly tattoed our lawn.  That’s just a little thing called “Dig Safe” to make sure we don’t add insult to injury and blow you sky high or drown you because of a disrupted gas or water line.  That would just be mean.

I wish I could take you to dinner as a farewell gesture.  You know, like a Septic Tank version of the last supper.  Since that’s just not possible, I’ll simply bid you farewell by honoring you in this blog.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts bottoms for decades of exhausting and unrelenting 24x7 effort.

To toast you, I will prepare a special meal to celebrate your life:  ramen noodles.  Since that’s about all we’ll be able to afford for awhile…..

Adieu old friend,

Your Adoring Family